


is it chill that you're in my head?

by Anonymous



Category: Buzzfeed Unsolved (Web Series)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Drunkenness, Fluff, Friends to Lovers, I'm Going to Hell, M/M, Misunderstandings, Not, Pining, Sharing Clothes, pls don't sue me buzzfeed, this is cheesy as fuck, very subtle references
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-03
Updated: 2017-12-20
Packaged: 2019-02-10 07:55:27
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 3,654
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12907542
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/
Summary: Ryan feels like he shouldn’t tell her, just because this thing between him and Shane is still brand new, still incredibly delicate. He doesn’t even really know what it is yet.





	1. 1;

**Author's Note:**

> i can't believe i wrote rpf. i hate myself.  
> anyways this is kinda based on delicate by taylor swift so. go check it out 
> 
> ps. no disrespect to sara or helen I LOVE THEM. or, you know. the main characters. obvi  
> uh also. english isnt my first language. keep that in mind D:

It started one Friday evening after work. Some of their colleagues had decided to grab a few drinks at a local bar, so he and Shane tagged along. Ryan doesn’t really remember much of that night—but somehow he had ended up in Shane’s lap, laughing into his shoulder. They were both giggly and absolutely  _ wasted _ and he remembers thinking  _ if I kissed him now, I could probably get away with it,  _ so that’s exactly what he did. 

 

It wasn’t a proper kiss—not really—because they were both smiling too much for it to be one. And they were way too drunk and it was sloppy, but it was still the best kiss of his life, because it was with  _ Shane.  _

 

Ryan doesn’t remember what happened after that. The rest of the night went by in a messy blur, and suddenly he was sitting in a taxi, on his way home. Alone. 

He remembers collapsing on top of his bed when he got home, but he didn’t fall asleep immediately. He just laid there for a while, touching his own lips, thinking about how they felt against Shane’s and how... how absolutely  _ fucked  _ he was. 

 

Next Monday they have an awkward conversation at work about how it happened in the heat of the moment and that they should stay friends, nothing more. 

“Let’s just forget about it, yeah?” Shane says, sounding casual. Ryan wishes he could be that casual about the situation.  _ I wish I didn’t love you _ , is what he thinks.

“Yeah, no problem, man,” Is what he says, and his heart breaks.

  
  


He doesn’t forget about it. Everything goes back to normal, though, like nothing ever happened between them. (Well, almost. Ryan thinks Shane seems a little bit more distant than usual, but maybe that’s just his mind making up stuff. He certainly hopes so.)

  
  


It changes one night after shooting an episode. It’s late, it’s raining, and they are both exhausted, so they decide it’d be good to let Ryan stay over at Shane’s place for the night. Well, _Shane_ decides. Ryan insists on going home to his own place, because spending the night with the person he’s longing for isn’t really what he wants to do right now. (Or—it is. He wants it _too_ much.) But Shane doesn’t let him go. So they put on a movie in his living room and sit down on the couch.

 

The movie is good, Ryan thinks, but he can’t really focus on it since he’s sitting next to his best friend who he really wants to hold and kiss and  _ be with.  _

 

He lets his head fall to Shane’s shoulder, because if he can’t be with him in  _ that way,  _ he is going to make the most of their friendship. Cause this is something that friends do, right?

 

“Ryan?” Shane says, suddenly, in a quiet voice. 

“Yeah?” he asks in the same voice, not wanting to ruin the atmosphere.

He feels Shane take a deep breath. “Okay, so. I’m—I want—” he gives up in the middle of the sentence and curses under his breath. Ryan lifts his head to look at him. 

“Shane? What is it?”  _ Is it something bad? Are you weirded out by me? Do you want me to leave? _

Shane sighs and finally,  _ finally _ , turns his head to look at Ryan. 

“I just—I can’t stop thinking about you,” he says, voice barely even a whisper. For a second, Ryan thinks he might have imagined it, or he has fallen asleep on the couch and this is just a dream, or—

His train of thought is interrupted by Shane lifting his hand and cupping Ryan’s cheek. 

“I’m sorry,” he adds, gently caressing Ryan’s flustered cheek with his thumb. Ryan’s breath hitches and he leans into the touch. 

The movie has already ended and the room is quiet and dark, except for the TV screen that is still lit up, casting a soft red light over the room. It’s so intimate; it feels like it’s just the two of them left in the entire world, and it’s beautiful. It’s like magic.

“Don’t be,” Ryan answers, not believing they are actually having this conversation. “It’s—it's fine.” 

“Yeah?” Shane murmurs, gaze leaving Ryan’s eyes and dropping lower to his mouth instead. 

“Yeah.”

Shane gives him a soft smile. “I’m gonna kiss you now, if that’s okay?” 

Ryan would’ve laughed if he wasn’t so speechless right now; Shane could do anything to him and he’d be okay with it. He doesn’t trust his own voice at this point, so he just scoots closer in response. 

They meet in the middle. 

 

***

  
  


“Is that Shane’s shirt?”

 

Ryan looks up in surprise from his computer for the first time since what feels like forever, and sees Jen staring at him from across the desk. 

 

He blushes a little because, yes, it is, but he really didn’t think anyone at work was going to notice—it’s just a plain grey sweater. The sleeves are a little too long for him, though, so he guesses that it’s those that gives it away. He wonders for a second if he should tell her that she’s right, and decides to do so. It’s just Jen, almost everyone else in the office has gone out for lunch, and he knows that he can tell her anything. Besides, lying to Jen just isn’t an option.

 

“Um, yeah,” he says, hating how weak he sounds. “How did you know that?” 

 

“I’ve seen it on him before,” she explains, raising an eyebrow. “Wait, why are you wearing his clothes all of a sudden?” Now she’s smirking, that jerk. 

 

Ryan feels himself blushing even more now, and he hates how he can’t even  _ think  _ of anything involving this without getting all flustered. He wonders if he should tell her about how he woke up in Shane’s arms this morning, face nuzzled into his neck. If he should tell her that he’d slept in his own shirt from the day before and that he didn’t bring a spare one, so he’d borrowed one of Shane’s instead. If he should tell her that wearing Shane’s clothes makes him feel safe and loved and warm all over. He feels like he shouldn’t tell her, just because this  _ thing  _ between him and Shane is still brand new, still so incredibly delicate. He doesn’t even really know  _ what _ it is yet. 

  
So Ryan gives her a look that says  _ we’ll talk about this later  _ and looks down at his computer and puts his headphones on. (He can still hear Jen’s snickers, though. He pretends not to.) 


	2. 2;

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “I hate you, you’re insufferable,” Ryan murmurs, still grinning.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yall asked for it?? ?

They don’t talk about it. Shane never brings it up, so Ryan doesn’t either. He doesn’t dare to say anything, because he’s afraid of ruining it. It’s like if he acknowledged the fact that they occasionally make out behind closed doors, Shane might realize that he doesn’t actually want to do that with him. It’s pathetic, Ryan knows, but he wants a _real_ relationship with Shane. He wants to tell everyone that he’s his, he wants to hold his hand in public, and he wants to bring him home for Christmas. But this, whatever it is they’re doing, it’s fine too. It’s more than fine. It’s much more than he thought would ever happen.

He’ll take what he can get.

 

Shane kisses him against the wall of their secret place, and Ryan makes a soft, surprised noise at the gesture, because he had gotten no warning or greeting. He actually goes weak at the knees—so he wraps his arms around the taller man’s neck for support.

Ryan wants to say something, anything, like _hi_ or _hello_ or _I’m in love with you,_ so he pulls away a little, just so he can look at Shane. He’s beautiful, of course. His lips are a little damp from kissing his own, and the sight of that makes the butterflies in Ryan's stomach go so crazy that he almost feels _nauseous_. But, it’s not... it’s not unpleasant.

“Are you... on your tiptoes?” Shane says with a grin and huffs out a laugh.

Ryan is, of course he is. It’s the only way for him to reach this tall idiot of a man.

”Shut up, Shane,” he says, because he just knows that he's gonna make fun of his height. “I told you, I’m average height, you’re just abnormally tall.”

“Nice try. The average height is five foot ten, and you’re...?”

“You are really gonna make me say it, huh?” Ryan says, and his face betrays him. He can’t help himself, he starts smiling like a lovesick idiot. Which, he realizes, is exactly what he is. Shane hums and starts pressing quick, light kisses against his jaw.

“Fine, I’m five foot nine _and three quarters,_ dumbass _,_ ” he says, struggling not to trip over his words. He hates Shane and he hates the effect Shane has on him. (Except that he doesn’t really hate it at all.)

Shane chuckles. “There we go.” Both of his hands are resting on Ryan’s waist now, and he pulls him even closer.

“I hate you, you’re insufferable,” Ryan murmurs, still grinning.

Shane hums again. “And you’re adorable, did you know that?”

Ryan doesn’t have time to respond before Shane kisses him again, slow and deep and wonderful. He feels completely overwhelmed with emotion and he’s hot all over—it feels like he’s going to burn up. He’s not complaining, though.

 

  
(He looks it up later, when he gets home. Apparently the human body reacts to love by triggering the brain to release hormones, which contracts blood vessels around the stomach—and the loss of blood to that area causes nausea. So he really is love _sick,_  then. Jesus fucking christ.)

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I Am Sorry


	3. 3;

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Oh, I thought I was getting romantic vibes from you. My apologies,” Bloody Mary says, and Ryan’s heart hurts. One-sided romantic vibes, then.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> what am i doing with my life

 

Ryan sees him talking to Sara at work. She says something inaudible and Shane starts laughing like that was the funniest thing he’s ever heard.

Later—when he’s marking Shane with love bites and making him let out quiet, breathless moans, whispering Ryan’s name in his ear over and over—Ryan wants to ask him _does she touch you like I do?_

But he doesn’t say anything.

  
  


They go to New Orleans when they start filming the show again, and it’s wonderful. He’s been here once before when he was much younger, and it’s nice to be back.

 

He likes Bloody Mary the second he meets her. She’s a little strange, sure, but it’s really nice to have someone that believes in this stuff in one of their episodes. They are two against one now, and when he tells Shane this he just laughs and calls him an idiot. Ryan calls him beautiful, but only in his head.

They introduce themselves and the crew begins to set up all the filming equipment when Bloody Mary asks, “How long have you two been together?”

Ryan actually _splutters._ “Um, we’re not—we’re not a couple.”

She raises an eyebrow. “No?”

Shane shakes his head. “Just friends,” he says, voice flat. Ryan wonders how he can be so unbothered by this, because he himself is blushing like an idiot, _again_.

“Oh, I thought I was getting romantic vibes from you. My apologies,” Bloody Mary says, and Ryan’s heart hurts. One-sided romantic vibes, then. How pathetic.

He is so flustered by the end of the conversation that he has to take a little break before they start filming.

 

That night he dreams of a house filled with evil spirits, with a kitchen drenched in blood. He doesn’t usually get nightmares, but there’s something scary about not sleeping in the safety of his own apartment. And maybe the fact that he has just been in the house he’s dreaming about, where someone actually was _murdered_ has something to do with why he wakes up gasping.

He struggles to breathe and finds his phone on the nightstand after a few seconds of fumbling in the dark. The clock shows that it’s 2 in the morning. Great.

He hears Shane turn around in the bed next to his. “Ryan? You okay?” he asks. Ryan can’t see him, it’s pitch black in their hotel room, but he sounds concerned.

“Yeah, fine,” he says, but he’s still shaking. “Just a nightmare, don’t worry about it.” Shane is silent for a few seconds, and Ryan thinks he might’ve gone back to sleep.

“Come here.” he says, suddenly, and Ryan stops breathing for a moment. He obeys and stands up, tentatively making his way over to the other bed.

 

Shane lifts up the covers a little so Ryan can get in next to him.

“Hey,” Ryan whispers, meeting his gaze. His eyes have adjusted to the darkness by now, so he can finally see Shane’s face, and he’s smiling. Ryan thinks that this is probably the most beautiful state he’s ever seen him in; sleepy and vulnerable.

“Hi,” Shane responds, voice lower than usual.

It’s different this time; they are alone in a room where they have no chance of being interrupted, there’s no chance of their colleagues stumbling in, or someone knocking on their door. This way it’s more intimate, somehow. He feels exposed in a way he never has before.

“What was your dream about?” Shane murmurs, and lifts his hand to let it rest on Ryan’s waist, tracing circles under his shirt with his thumb.

The fact that Ryan is already breathless from that small gesture says a lot about him, honestly. “Nothing, just... the things we experienced today, I guess.”

A lazy smile spreads over Shane’s face, but he doesn’t tease him for believing like he usually does. “You’re safe now, though,” he says. “I’ve got you.”

Ryan nods and pulls him closer. They fall asleep like that—in each other’s arms. 

 

 

He wakes up to a cold, empty bed.


	4. 4;

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> They love in quiet rooms, behind closed doors, but then days pass when they barely even talk to each other—and Ryan doesn’t know how long he can keep doing it, because he doesn’t want to keep pretending like nothing happened, is happening, between them. It’s consuming, it’s all he ever thinks about, and he can’t do it anymore.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> okay so im sorry this took me so long, but im finally finished, yay! thanks for reading and leaving kudos n comments. it means a lot. 
> 
> @ buzzfeed please don't sue me this is just Fiction 
> 
> @ shane and ryan: i cannot tell you how sorry i am

They shouldn’t keep doing this, Ryan knows that. _He_ shouldn’t keep doing this—but he doesn’t know if he can go back to being just friends again, because the way Shane is touching him is so intoxicating and addictive.

 

He watches him sleep one rare night when Shane actually stays over at his place, for once, because that usually doesn’t happen with them.

He wonders what he’s dreaming of—if he has dreams about him sometimes. Because Ryan certainly does; last week he vaguely remembers having a dream where he had a ring on his finger, and Shane had one, too. A matching one.

 _Stay here?_ Ryan wants to ask him every time, but he never does. He knows what the answer is gonna be; an awkward excuse or just a straight up _no_ , because staying over would be weird, right?

He wakes up to find that Shane’s gone, and even though he already knew that he would be, it still breaks Ryan’s heart.

 

This thing between them is exhausting to keep up with, Ryan realizes. It’s so intense, it’s becoming too much for him to handle. They love in quiet rooms, behind closed doors, but then days pass when they barely even talk to each other—and he doesn’t know how long he can keep doing it, because he doesn’t want to keep pretending like nothing happened, _is happening_ , between them. It’s consuming, it’s all he ever thinks about, and he can’t do it anymore.

 

He gets a text from him Shane next day. It’s Saturday, and they haven’t seen each other all weekend or on Friday—he decided to work at home that day after another sleepless night.

 _Can I come over?_ it says, and the butterflies go crazy again. Ryan knows that he should say no, he _knows_. Still, he finds himself replying to the text with _Sure_.

 

Twenty minutes later he opens the door for Shane.

“Hi,” Shane says, and Ryan responds with another _hi,_ failing to stop the stupid grin that spreads across his face. He can picture himself and see exactly how he’s looking at Shane right now, he has seen it many, many times in all the hours of footage from the show—he just can’t help but look at him like _that,_ like he’s in love—because, well. _He is._

“I missed you on Friday,” Shane says, looking concerned. “Is everything okay?”

Ryan awkwardly scratches the back of his neck. “Yeah, you know, just tired,” he says, and it isn’t a lie, not exactly. “How are you?” he adds, wanting to know the reason why he wanted to see him so suddenly.

“Good,” Shane says, and pauses. “Better now.” he adds after a while, in a softer, lower voice.

 

They end up talking in Ryan’s kitchen, with some beer and popcorn—it is Saturday, after all, and all their other friends are probably out right now, getting drunk and having fun while they’re here, in his apartment, talking about everything and nothing. (Ryan wouldn’t have it any other way, though.)

 

A couple of beers later they are both a little tipsy, but Ryan is mostly drunk on the feeling he gets when he’s around Shane. It’s a wonderful, warm and fluttery feeling that he wants to experience every second of every day. Ryan’s laughing at the stupid joke Shane just told him, which wasn’t even funny at all, and it hits him, for the hundredth time tonight, that he should talk to him. That he should tell him how he feels—that he doesn’t want to keep doing the friends with benefits thing anymore—that it hurts more than it heals at this point.

 He obviously knows what he should do, so why doesn’t he tell him?

In fact, Ryan does the exact opposite of what he’s supposed to do, and moves closer to Shane. Their laughter has died out by now, it’s almost completely silent in the apartment—the only thing he can hear is their breathing and the sound of his own heartbeat.

Ryan is on his tiptoes now and so he cups Shane’s cheek because he wants to, because he still _can,_ and leans in and presses their lips together.

Shane makes a soft, surprised sound at the contact, but responds immediately by deepening the kiss. It’s slow and gentle, but there’s definitely a hint of desperation to it, and Ryan clings to him, wrapping his arms around his neck. Shane makes a noise that Ryan can only describe as a whimper, and wraps his arms around his waist, lifting him up a little bit so that they are on the same height level. Ryan lets out a gasp against his mouth at that—because _holy shit_.

 Shane pushes him up on the counter and stands in between his legs—Ryan lets himself be kissed thoroughly and deep, and he gasps again, feeling completely helpless.

 

It’s so fucking intense, Ryan feels like he might combust if they stop—that’s how much he needs him. But when Shane starts trailing kisses down his neck and marking him with a hickey that’s definitely gonna be visible tomorrow, Ryan pulls away to make eye contact with him.

“Why do you never stay?” he says, wondering if it was okay to ask that, which it probably wasn’t. He can’t bring himself to regret it, though, because he needs to talk about this; the _thing_ between them. Even if it’s delicate, even if he’ll ruin it.

Shane looks up and meets his eyes with a confused expression. “I—do you want me to?”

“Yes, of course I want you to,” Ryan whispers, honest and too vulnerable for his own liking.

Shane gives him a soft smile. “I didn’t know,” he murmurs, holding Ryan’s jaw and running his thumb over his bottom lip. “I’ll stay tonight, okay?”

Ryan closes his eyes and braces himself for the inevitable. “It’s not just that.” he answers, hesitant to say what he’s about to say. “I want you to stay every night,” he continues, scared to open his eyes and meet Shane’s gaze. “I want to, I don’t know, go on dates with you, and stuff?” he knows that he’s babbling, but he doesn’t really care at this point. “Uh, also, I really don’t wanna share you, and I...” he sighs and pauses, opening his eyes to finally meet Shane’s. “I wanna be with you— _for real_. Not just like this, not just sometimes.”

Shane just looks at him for a moment, and for a second Ryan thinks that he has screwed everything up, but then Shane smiles and lets out a breathless chuckle and. It’s okay, it’s all good _._

“You don’t wanna share me? Great, cause I don’t wanna share you either—I’m yours.” Shane says, and he sounds so fucking _sincere_. It takes a little too long for Ryan to process what he just heard, but when he finally does, he stares at him in disbelief with wide eyes.

“Why do you look so surprised?” Shane asks, still smiling that precious smile of his. (He is so pretty, it’s genuinely not fair.)

“Because you always leave!”

“To be fair, you do that too.” Shane answers, and yeah, okay—Ryan does, but only because he doesn’t want to make it weird or bother Shane.

Ryan tries again. “Okay, then because you told me to forget about our first kiss!” he exclaims, looking at Shane accusingly.

The taller one scoffs. “Yeah, because you looked so uncomfortable that day—I thought you regretted it? I mean, we were completely wasted.”

A fond grin spreads across Ryan’s face. “You’re such an idiot.” he says, because how could he ever regret it?

“So... you wanna go out sometime?” Shane smirks, and Ryan starts laughing like a maniac because he’s just so happy and so incredibly _relieved_ right now that it’s hard to contain his emotions.

“Yeah, I’d love that, you fucking dork,” he says, more serious this time—leaning in and kissing Shane to prove his point.

  
  


(They wake up in each other’s arms the next morning, they come into work holding hands on Monday, and that’s that.)

**Author's Note:**

> is this horrible? should i continue it? should i never write anything ever again? take ur pick


End file.
